Not long before our (unplanned) pregnancy we had become acquainted with the idea of 'attachment parenting'. And we'd liked it!
The Continuum Concept' by Jean Liedloff (Da Capo Press, 1986) (buy here) was a particular book that had intrigued us. It had pointed us to a 'different' way of approaching our nurturing and family life. Instead of following the expected 'Western' practices, we joined others practicing 'attachment parenting' in following the Yequana people in co-sleeping, constant holding, and feeding on demand, rather than leaving the baby to cry alone in a dark room at night and imposing scheduled feeding times.
Here is Liedloff, sitting with some of the Yequana children in the Brazilian rainforest, looking for all the world like a young Jane Goodall. Two extraordinary anthropologists in my estimation.
I was fascinated by Liedloff's conclusions. Having observed the nurturing the native children received, and their resulting peaceful and problem-free behaviour, she wondered why the children of her own acquaintance back home were so different.
Why did they have tantrums and exhibit challenging behaviour whereas the native children did not?
In comparing the two different cultures, she came to believe that Western childrearing practices adversely affect the growing child's development, that our babies' brain development is actually compromised when we go against our 'native' instincts.
In an evolutionary sense, a 'continuum' had been interrupted (thus the book's title) when Western childrearing practices were adopted.
In 'The Family Bed' by Tine Thevenin (Penguin 1986) (buy here), Thevenin explains that parenting and nurturing practices in the West only actually started to change around 250 years ago due to the influence of churchmen and economists. There was an emphasis on 'independence' training, necessitating physical distancing of children from parents, but with an accompanying range of new behavioural problems arising. Did you know, tantrums were unknown until then?
Before that, we basically did it the 'native' way. Our children never slept alone, and were held and carried all the while they could not move around independently.
The 'continuum' had not been interrupted.
'Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sleeping with your Baby', by Deborah Jackson (Bloomsbury 2012) (buy here), outlined significant brain research which made sense of why the native children thrived in the way they did. This understanding enabled me to follow my instincts with even more confidence.
The book 'Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin', by Ashley Montagu, (William Morrow Paperbacks, 1971) (buy here) explains that, because of the evolutionary adaptation of the female pelvis, the now-upright woman had to give birth before the baby's head (and therefore the brain inside) become dangerously big.
Montagu explains that, because of this, our 'full-term' babies are actually premature as far as brain development is concerned.
When I came to understand this, it made utter sense to me that a baby would need conditions as close as possible to those of the womb for at least another nine months after birth.
We know that premature babies thrive under 'kangaroo' care:
BBC 'Future'
THE LIFE-SAVING BENEFITS OF KANGAROO CARE
by Ayodele Johnson in Lagos, 12 February 2021.
A method of caring for premature newborns by swaddling them against their mother's skin is reducing pressure on incubators, but has also been found to bring other benefits too.
The article says:
"Babies who have kangaroo care may even cry less and sleep more peacefully, some small-scale studies have suggested. It has also been linked to brain development, including improved attention and movement. One study has even suggested that feeling the mother's heartbeat helps to synchronise the infants breathing while attached to her chest."
"For first-time mother Ojoma Ekhomun the technique has allowed her to protect and nurture her baby boy at his most vulnerable. Even now he is out of danger and growing every day, she intends to continue carrying him on her chest. "I will continue it until [my] baby starts walking," she says.
One feels that Ojama Ekhomun's native instincts were literally aroused when she was encouraged to hold her baby close. She re-encountered her deep-seated genetic memory, slipping back to that interrupted 'continuum'!
It could be said then that, if our full-term babies are indeed premature, they too would benefit and thrive from the same care!
'Emotional Intelligence; Why it can matter more than IQ'' by Daniel Goleman (Bantam Books, 1995) (buy here), explains why early stressful conditions lead the still-developing brain to short-circuit at later times of stress.
In other words, keep your baby close and attend to its needs and there will be no stress. Ergo, no short-circuiting.
and 'A General Theory of Love', by Lewis, Amini and Lannon (Random House, 2000) (buy here) explained the rest!
It's complicated, the world of brain research! I persisted, though, and I believe I gained an adequate enough grasp of the importance of good brain development to confidently set forth the 'native' way.
So! Back to our first night at home with our precious, completely dependent baby! There was no cot, no sweetly decorated nursery waiting for us! Just the big bed! Somewhat nervously, we placed this tiny thing down between us, and we all slept. Waking up in the morning, with our little one between us, was bliss. There had been no crying, no loud disturbance in the night. There had only been a little snuffling sound, alerting me to my baby's need for milk. I'd gathered him in to give him what he needed. Then we'd slept again.
We were both sure that our son's physical, emotional and mental health would be supported rather than compromised by this decision to follow the 'native' way of nurturing.
I've had nearly twenty-seven years since our son's birth to think about this. I believe physical is spiritual.
One could say that, as parents, we immediately step in for God, become his surrogates if you like. We bring his love physically (a bit like an electrical transformer perhaps!) to this newly-emerged pure being via our touch, our closeness, our responsiveness, our attention, our respect, our care.
If God is indeed love, then our love is God in physical form. That love not only enables its brain to mature in its own proper time, but it also gives the child the chance to move into life without having to adopt compensatory and psychologically defensive behaviours. Rather, it enables him to feel, trust and know that life is good. In that deep knowing he then has room for others.
I have, in effect, come to the conviction that, if a person does not possess the stable physical (and therefore psychological and mental) health that comes from loving nurture, then it is a bit futile to then unthinkingly impose spiritual principles or morals on that person. He may try but he is physiologically at a horrible disadvantage, particularly in a society as judgemental, unforgiving and as punitive as ours.